How Not to Represent Your Business By Email

Galant vs. Gufus

When one of my articles is posted to Reddit or Digg, I get a lot of project requests in my email.

If you have a project and you want to hire me, that's great. I love projects and I'm even happy to answer technical questions when I have the time.

But sometimes, the emails I get are not quite what I would expect from somebody looking to conduct business over the Internet. Now, I'm not saying you send such dubious emails, but if you know Reddit or Digg, you could imagine some of the nonsense that I might get. And your imaginations would be correct.

So, I've prepared a few examples to help demonstrate how to correctly present your business over the Internet. Use it here. Use it everywhere. Pass this along and do your part to help make the Internet a little less insane.

The details of these example emails have been changed, but these are real emails I've gotten.

The notes in italics aren't the responses I sent. They are more of a Ze Frank sort of exercise.

Introducing Yourself

Galant

Gufus

Delete.

This is the most common sort of stupid email I get.

Gufus

No.

Seriously, is this how you introduce yourself? "Do my work now." Even if I was interested (I'm not), you didn't even include your business name or contact information. Go away.

Making Suggestions

Galant

Ok.

Gufus

The road to hell is paved with non-profits.

First, you inadvertently admit that your board nit-picks any design into oblivion. That little lighthouse is nice enough, much better than anything else on your disaster of a website. How many hours in the boardroom did it take to make those inane comments AND find someone to embed them into an ugly little flash file?

Also, what's with you people and your obsession with everything shiny? You're not Apple Computer. Not everything should be shiny. It's tacky and tasteless, especially for, of all things, an artistic ink print. How about we install spinning chrome rims, paint on racing stripes, and deep-fry your "logo," too? I bet you're the guy who buys all the ketchup at Costco.

Your script idea is the dumbest idea I have ever heard in my life. Only a non-profit could conjure such a mind-crushingly stupid and wasteful idea and get away with it. Seriously, this is your most pressing organizational concern? Force-redirecting people off your site for not installing Adobe's screaming child of an application?

And when you say a "few" colors, you actually listed every primary color: red, blue, yellow (gold), plus black and white. Your "board of directors" would give Pablo Picasso a headache.

Good luck finding a web designer.

By the way, the reason your "logo" looks wrong is because it's not a logo. See my article on How To Improve Your Logo.

Negotiating Terms

Galant

Note: This meant the project was due in only a few days. I offered a revised proposal with a 20% bigger quote for adding a "rush" and this was acceptable.

Gufus

I like to help new people out, and I actually did prepare an alternate payment plan. But Bob seemed to think that I accept payment in long emails and "future potential work." I don't.

You get what you pay for. If what you put your company's identity isn't worth at least a few thousand dollars, then why are you trying to hire me? There are thousands of cut-rate freelancers who can pound out a template quick and dirty for just a few dollars. Better yet, hire some high school kid just starting out for cheap. That's what somebody did for me and now I'm a pro.

Answering Exploratory Questions About Your Project

Galant

And then copies my questions and answers them intelligently...

Gufus

HERE WE GO! This email is very long and very all-caps so here is an excerpt:

I think this email speaks for itself.

Conclusion: Be Specific and Polite

When you do business on the Internet, almost all correspondence is by email. If you send a stupid email, it means to me that you are a bad client because you don't know how to communicate. Then, I'll probably ignore you and so will most other reasonable people. Why commit business suicide like this?

Always, always include a brief description of yourself, your business, and your project in your introductory email. Let people do their jobs. Don't weasel project terms. And for the love of God, if you're an idiot, don't send me email. My inbox is not the East St. Louis Dictionary of Ebonics.

--Drew Yates

Edit: Keep sending me your real-life nightmare email examples. They are hilarious.